Monday, December 2, 2013

Mankillers (1987)

Mankillers (1987)
Director: David A. Prior
Stars: Edd "Kookie" Byrnes, Edy Williams, Lynda Aldon

An ex CIA agent is in the drug running/ cheerleader type girl smuggling business with his partner, Edd "Kookie" Byrnes. The CIA sends the renegade agent's ex lover Rachael (and also an agent) out to get him. She has a personal vendetta because her ex beau decided to put a slug in her buxom chest a few years back.

Rachael assembles a team entirely of women to take out the renegade's band of morons, jerks, and feebs. Lots of squibs a flying in this one. Fun note, they filmed this back to back with the "wonderful" Ted Prior vehicle Deadly Prey. Oh joy.

Six Things I've Learned from Mankillers

1. I have decided to make a holiday where we hang up papier-mâché versions of Edd Kookie Byrnes, blindfolding someone holding a knife (a butter knife and staying 100 feet away would suffice), have them stab Kookie in his papier-mâché dick until candy comes out. I'd call it "Let's Stab Kookie in the Dick" Day. I'm...still working on the name.

2. The team of female prisoners included the gum chewing bad girl, girl, the asian girl, and....ummm...the others. They literally gave all the personality to one girl. Out of ten. Way to hog the spotlight lady!

3. I enjoyed the fact that EVERY SINGLE GUY KILLED used the same "uhhh!" sound. It's like the Wilhelm scream, only every five seconds for forty five minutes.

4. Female prisons are only filled with buxom scantily clad beauties, just like every men's prison are filled with guys who want to put it in your butt for a pack of Lucky Strikes. Those are small cigarettes. Your anal virginity isn't even worth a filter.

5. The lead villain in this looks like a deranged John Holmes...only without the charm...or the third leg.

6. So here's my big complaint on this movie. Your lead actress is an attractive big breasted woman. She assembles a team of large breasted women. Not only that, but she recruited them from fucking prison! She then dressed them up in the most skimpy camouflage gear known to man or bikini model. So why, if you have all of these elements together, DO YOU NOT SHOW ANY FUCKING NUDITY FROM THESE WOMEN WHATSOEVER!? There's nothing, nada from these women. No full frontal, no titties, not even a goddamn buttcrack is shown! What happened? Was someone (as my wife put it) supposed to be the designated "titty lady" but they kept trying to put it on the other girls? Lord knows they weren't hired for their acting ability or fucking personalities. EDY WILLIAMS, A PERSON WHO WILL TAKE IT OFF EVEN WHEN YOU DON'T WANT HER TO, DIDN'T GET NUDE! What the fuck movie...just What. The. Fuck.

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