Thursday, February 28, 2013

Deathrow Gameshow (1987)

Deathrow Gameshow (1987)
Director: Mark Pirro
Stars: John McCafferty, Robin Blythe, Beano...yes his name is Beano

Anyone who knows anything about low/no budget movies will know the name Mark Pirro. In 1983 his $2500 budgeted film A Polish Vampire in Burbank made over a million bucks in VHS rentals and overseas distribution. I remember seeing it on USA's Up All Night while the annoying Rhonda Shear enticed me with her large boobs during the bumpers. Heh... Rhonda's bumpers. So I have a soft spot for Pirro.

Chuck Toedan is the host of the most popular show on television, Live or Die, where the contestants are dying to play. HAHAHA! Get it? Dying to...I'm an asshole I know. The contestants are death row inmates playing for a stay of execution and wonderful prizes for their families. while this may sound like the greatest show ever, not everybody is thrilled with the show. Chuck endures protests led by Gloria Steinvirgin, death threats, and recently the mafia. When a hitman shows up ready to kill him, Chuck will have to rely on his wits and his biggest enemy to live. He's pretty much screwed.

Six Things I've Learned From Deathrow Gameshow

1. Inspired by Chuck and his car, I'm going to patent messages that you can put on the side of your car windows. Everything from "You're the best" to "hey you just hit a kid back there you schmuck". Can't be any worst than back window memorials.

2. Every person's dreams should be rated like Chuck's. Mine would only be suitable for small parrots and those guys who dance on the corner for money.

3. The hitman looks an awful lot like a bloated Gene Simmons. Thank goodness we didn't see a sex tape with this guy. Ugh.

4. Although Chuck is a famous game show host, he's still relegated to parking in an alleyway behind the studio.

5. Old ladies are highly flammable. Remember Miss Havisham? Of course carrying cans of gasoline are a great accelerate.

6. I was very offended by the scene of the mob boss with his penis tied to an electric chair. Does Mark Pirro not know that every year, at least three people lose their lives by rigging their penises up to electric chairs. Let's use films to not judge these guys, but to show love and compassion for the boners they may make in life.

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