Friday, June 13, 2014

Demon Keeper (1994)

Demon Keeper (1994)
Director: Joe Tornatore
Stars: Edward Albert, Dirk Benedict, Dirk Benedict's bulging eyes

Sometimes I run across a movie that is barely considered a movie running time wise. Most of Nick Millard's "films" clock in at around an hour. Demon Keeper clocks in at 71 minutes including end credits. The difference between these two (besides the fact that Demon keeper actually LOOKS like someone gave a shit...sort of) is that Death Nurse was so loaded with filler, if it was a person it'd be the guy who filled up on the free breadsticks at Olive Garden. This movie however, could have used about 10-15 more minutes because what we have here is a movie that goes all over the place for no reason whatsoever.

The basic story is that Remy (Albert) is a con man who does fake seances to get money from old ladies. Hey, if it works, more power to him. He invites a wealthy old lady and her distrustful son to his house for the weekend, along with a drunk lady and her angry husband, a guy who owes the mob money, and some other random people. Remy's surprised though when Old Lady McMoneybags brings world famous psychic Alexander Harris (Dirk and his eyes) along for the fun. 

What's a fake psychic to do? Oh I know, let's spout off some black magic!

Well of course the shit actually works and the goofiest looking demon ever put upon Earth arrives, inhabiting their bodies and making them kill each other for fun and souls. Does Remy save the day? Does Dirk Benedict save the day? Will the demon (which I've named the Lord of Derp) kill everyone off and watch some football in his tighty whities? It's on youtube, go watch for yourself.

Things I've Learned/ Things To Look Out For

- When Remy's wife calls for the dog, instead of the sweet loving family pet, she ends up with a snarling angry hellbeast. Now this would have scarier had they not decided that they would use a handpuppet so badly made, that it makes the werewolf handpuppet in Werewolf look like a Rick Baker creation.

- Watch for the enjoyable "chasing a deadbeat gambler through a golf course" scene. Not sure how the gambler plans to extort money from Remy, but he needs to before he meets the Embalmer. We never see the Embalmer, but I'm sure he's played by Robert Ginty.

- Burning someone's boob off is not an effective way to get people to do what you want them to do. Except oddly in this case it is. 

- Ever wondered what would happen if you used a thighmaster for 25 years? The guy trying to fuck his wife sure didn't want to know. Snap crackle pop his lower half.

- If you're scary monster looks like something that's wandering around Universal Studios in October, it might be a good idea to not light him as if he's in the spotlight at the Apollo. A little goes a loooong way.

- Also doesn't help when you give the demon such great dialogue like "He wants to kill you!" "You are a drunken pig!" and his delightful catchphrase "KILL HIM/HER! KILL! KILL HIM/HER". He sounds less like a minion of hell and more like a frat boy yelling at a pledge to shave a goat's scrotum.

-Look Dirk, I know this movie doesn't make sense. I know there's more plotholes than a blind man playing Tetris, but you could have put a little more effort in your acting performance. I know you wanted your bulging eyeballs to get most of the credit, but the nice man is paying you to act. At least it's not Bodyslam.

Must have looked at his IMdb.

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