The Howling 2: Your Sister is a Werewolf

I know good and well by now not to expect too much of a movie that stars Reb Brown, but holy hell! The Howling 2 goes beyond laughably bad into the realm of secondhand embarrassment. Even the title is ridiculous. Interestingly though, I have reason to suspect that the makers of this film had a sense of humor about it, and that it may even be a poor attempt at humor. It feels like they made the movie, realized it sucked, and then did some edits for the sake of being "funny." It's still embarrassing, but that's tempered by the idea that it may be self-aware.

The Howling 2 (I'm not typing out Your Sister is a Werewolf every time) begins with a nonsensical voiceover by Christopher Lee, and then we go to the funeral of the character from the first movie who was played by Dee Wallace Stone. You know, the lady who famously turned into a werewolf on the news in front of everyone in her viewing market before being shot dead. Only the corpse in the coffin, who later reanimates briefly because the silver bullets were removed during the autopsy, is played by a different actress other than Stone. And she is the sister to Reb Brown, playing a sheriff from Montana or someplace, and proving it by walking through every scene in a jeans jacket and jeans. I think they call that outfit a Canadian tuxedo!

After the funeral, Brown is approached by two weirdos, first an occult specialist played by Lee, and the second a reporter played by that weird voiced lady who was married to Spalding Grey in True Stories. (By the way, True Stories came out in 85, the same year as this furry monstrosity, and was a much better career choice for this lady and her voice.) Brown tells Lee to fuck off, Lee tells weird lady "His sister is a werewolf," then she tells Brown, "Your sister is a werewolf." Title in dialogue moment!

Then Lee goes to a club, where for some reason he is given ugly sunglasses to put on. The club is full of werewolves! One of them was at the funeral! She picks up some guys just so she can kill them! Then the reporter and Reb Brown go visit Chris Lee at home, where he shows them a big cardboard poster with pictures of the werewolf lady from the club. He also plays the videotape of Reb's sister turning into a werewolf on the news, only in this film's universe, the transformation and death weren't on TV and no one saw it happen. I don't know why they couldn't even get that detail right, if they were going to bother making this a sequel! I haven't watched The Howling in years, but I clearly remember reactions from some people in a bar who saw the news broadcast live on TV. Anyway, Lee tells Brown he's gonna have to kill his sister again. Brown tells him to fuck off again.

Until....he sees his sister turn into a werewolf later that night in the cemetery, where he has gone to kill Lee! Now he's ready to follow Lee to the ends of the earth, or at least to the former Czechoslovakia masquerading as Transylvania. Werewolves in Transylvania? Apparently. Not only werewolves await us in Transylvania, but also a puppet show, midgets, weird wipes between scenes, that guy who played Mickey the Convict in Pee Wee's Big Adventure, and Sybil Danning tearing off her clothes. She is the head werewolf, but we all know her real supernatural power is tearing off her clothes. Somehow the same people from the club in Los Angeles are all at her house, and then they run outside and Christopher Lee kills most of them with a pistol. Finally, Lee confronts Danning, and I think the implication is that she is HIS sister, but I'm not sure. All I know is that this movie should be ashamed of itself, and it could stand a good hard riffing. Also, the band in the club scenes sings a song with lyrics that include the word "Howling," so at least the movie gets some points for having a bad theme song that is about itself.

But what about that "funny" part I mentioned? Well, it's the credits sequence. It shows the moment when Sybil Danning takes her top off, over and over again, while other people in the film are intercut as if they were reacting to her bare boobs. I mean, that's got to be a joke, right? This can't be intended to be a scary film with an ending like that tacked on? You've got your good werewolf films, like The Wolf Man and An American Werewolf in London, and even to some extent The Howling, where you actually feel sorry for the main character who is doomed to turn into a werewolf and be killed. The werewolf idiom is supposed to be a tragic story of lost potential, of wasted youth, of a likable and hopeful person who lives in torment and then dies. And then you have this flaming bag of dogshit, strutting around in head to toe denim, laughing at us for having watched it, and sniffing its own ass. Here, watch the credits and see what you think. For a bad movie, it almost elevates itself to so-bad-its-good at the end. If only it would stop humping my leg.

The Hand (1981)

The Hand (1981)

Director: Oliver Stone

Stars: Michael Caine, Andrea Marcovicci, Bruce McGill

In the past day or so, my wife and I watched this movie and Fatty Drives the Bus. Normally, you'd see me reviewing Fatty while she takes on the more "highbrow" stuff. Oh not today my friend. She took the honors on reviewing Fatty here, while I dig into some pre conspiracy lovin' Oliver Stone.

I sort of remember seeing this movie around 1983 or '84 on one of the pay channels. That would make me around 6 or 7. Obviously a good age for someone to be watching a movie about a killer severed hand. No wonder I'm so weird.

Michael Caine plays Jonathan Lansdale, the creator of the popular comic strip Mandro (or Mondro...I'm not sure). An argument with his wife in the family car ends up costing him his right hand. Life goes on, and he gets fitted with what looks like a cross between Luke's hand in Return of the Jedi and part of the Terminator. Shockingly, his wife starts showing signs of having an affair with some touchy feely yoga douchebag despite having a cyborg for a husband.

While the wife and kid stay in New York, Lansdale goes to California to teach at a small college. He buddies up with another teacher there played by D-Day from Animal House and starts boning the supermarket checkout girl. But unbeknownst to him, his severed hand decided to tag along like a devoted pet and help kill those who have wronged Jonathan.

When Jonathan's wife and kid come down to visit, the marriage falls apart and the hand gets pissed. It'd be like if Thing from the Addams Family decided to strangle the kid who kept wanting his two dollars instead of just flipping him off.

I think this film is pretty underrated as far as horror/thrillers go. It's not Stone's best work, but he shows that the talent was there, even when the box office wasn't.

Six Things I've Learned From The Hand

1. While Michael Caine is a charming almost handsome man, he should get the lifetime award for having the worst hairstyle of any leading man alive.

2. I was very disappointed that Michael Caine didn't grab a cup, crush it with his metal hand, and say "Groovy". I expect too much from my movies I guess.

3. Look, if you don't want people putting dead bodies in the trunk, then you shouldn't make trunks the perfect size to put dead bodies in. I'm just sayin'.

4. I got to admit I was a little disturbed to see Annie McEnroe play a hot young woman gleefully whipping off her clothes. Not that I minded, hey she's got nice hooters, but I wasn't expecting to see Kay Culver from True Stories getting nude here.

5. Apparently, classes at small colleges are held in somebody's attic.

6. I'm going to spoil this 32 year old movie and tell you that there's no severed hand...it's Jonathan gone crazy and killing folks without him realizing it. But why does he go crazy? His wife. She tries to pass the truck on the road on a curve and ends up getting the man's fucking hand cut off and shot into a field. Gee, a cartoonist without a hand is like a fluffer with morals...completely worthless. On top of that, she starts bringing this touchy feely asshole yoga instructor to their apartment. And let me give you ladies a Protip here...no matter how much you say how great the guy is, we're never going to like him because we know he either wants to or IS tapping your ass. So don't try.

Anyway, she brainwashes their kid to call the guy "Uncle", the codeword for "Mommy's Boyfriend". So Jonathan is distraught and goes across the country to get away from her. Yeah, he ends up having an affair of his own, but then he finds out the girl he's sleeping with is going off to LA to bang Bruce Fucking McGill. God damn Jonathan Lansdale can't fucking win for trying. So he snaps and kills them both, not realizing he's doing it. He tries to kill his wife, but that damn kid stops him. 

His damn wife ruins his life and we're suppose to feel sorry for HER? Fuck that noise. SHE made him a killer and I hope she spends the rest of her fictional life realizing that if she hadn't been a bitch and just told him she wanted a divorce instead of playing chicken on the road, maybe Jonathan wouldn't have turned into a fucking looney tune. 

I need a drink.