The Cloth (2013)

The Cloth (2013)

Director: Justin Price

Stars: Kyler Willett, Perla Rodriguez, Eric Roberts (for 5 minutes)

Having gotten tired of being burned on new horror by Netflix, I decided to go another route. Enter Hulu Plus. We got this mainly for the Criterion Collection, but I decided to take another chance on new horror and pick a movie at random. 

This proves to me that I have no taste in movies, even when it's at random.

This mashup of better horror movies is about some non believing douchebag who has to join up with the Men in Bla...I mean ass kicking priests to...well to be honest this movie isn't very clear on that. Some asshole demon (played by the director) comes down and becomes a big pimp, making out with the ladies before either killing them or making them all mucked up. 

Priests fighting demons...that's about it. Eric Roberts is in this for 5 mniutes proving he'll act in anything for a paycheck. Danny Trejo is also in this for an additional 5 minutes...but since he was in Machete, I'll give him a pass just this once. The main hero in this is the less talented clone of Paul Walker. Think about that for a minute.

No cloth was harmed in the making of this movie.

Six Things I've Learned From The Cloth

1. The editing here is atrocious. In one scene our moronic hero pays a visit to the guy who killed his father (out on parole), and finds out he's a demon. Our hero proclaims "You have got to be shitting me". The next scene has a girl walking into a room WITH OUR HERO! The fuck happened in between being shitted on and walking into a room?! It's never fucking explained. I get that fast cuts keep the movie moving but bad editing makes one want the film to leap off a cliff.

2. Our hero has three facial expressions...dumb, dumber, and goddamn rock stupid motherfucker.

 

3. Demons are made of confetti, and when you shoot them, the magic just bursts out of them!

4. I counted Men in Black (why is your gun bigger than mine scene), Blade Trinity (the flying opening knife on a chain scene), and of course the Exorcist (The entire beginning sequence). When you think originality, you think of this film!

5. Check out this tidbit from their IMDB:

"The cast and crew brought Sage and did cleanses before each shoot."

 They should have been colonics, because this movie is full of shit.

6. My favorite part of this movie was when the main guy's love interest is possessed. Before this, everyone possessed were blown into glittery goodness. Not this girl. The hero and a priest chant to save her. When the demon goes into the priest, instead of being grateful the priest helped saved his girlfriend, he turns him into a glitter bomb. Bros before ho's you asshole!

Hell Baby (2013)

Hell Baby (2013)

Directors: Robert Ben Garant, Thomas Lennon

Stars: Rob Corddry, Leslie Bibb, Keegan Michael Key

Finally! A horror spoof that's actually above the Scary Movie bullshit that brain dead masses seem to lap up like milk that's been out of date for a month and sitting in 100 degree weather in Ecuador. It reminded me more along the lines of a Broken Lizard film filled with people I mostly see on those I Love the 80's VH1 specials they had a few years back. 

An expecting couple move into a run down house in New Orleans that just happens to be haunted as well...by F'resnel (Key), who lives in the crawlspace of the house. Oh, there's also a demon that posses the expecting wife (Bibb). She starts acting a little strange, like speaking in tongues, drinking paint thinner by the quart, and oh yeah ripping out someone's entrails.

Luckily for them, there's a pair of cigarette smoking, sunglasses wearing badass priests who are assigned to their house (played by the directors).

I don't have anything bad to say about this movie. The writing is good, a couple of great gross out moments, and actors that are actually...you know...funny. Fully recommended.

Six Things I've Learned From Hell Baby

1. This movie truly understands my hatred of stacking boxes up too damn high. If you have to look around it, it's too damn high, dummy!

2. I really want a po'boy sandwich. Like right now! Get one for me! ...please?

3. I never want to live in a neighborhood where the old naked wrinkly lady from the Shining can break into my house and...I'll let you see for yourself. Naked old lady....HAIRY naked old lady.

4. Michael Ian Black dies in this so that already makes this an A++ film for me.

5. It's never a good idea to smoke a lot of pot and then drive. You never know when several trashcans will jump out at you going 2mph. Those suicidal trash bastards!

6. This has one of the greatest shower scenes of all time. OF ALL TIME!