Friday, November 14, 2014

Blood Freak (1972)

Blood Freak (1972)
Directors: Brad F. Ginter, Steve Hawkes
Stars: Steve Hawkes, Dana Cullivan, Heather Hughes

Bad films seem to somehow find their way into my life, and disappointingly, onto my television. Take last night for example. I was all set to watch something that didn't make me want to pray to the little girl from the Visitor to send her pet bird to peck my eyes out. I decided to let my beautiful wife, who likes to watch "real" films (you know, ones with budgets, real actors, and sets not made from children's materials) pick the movie.

"There's a movie I've been wanting you to see for a couple years now" She said. usually her film choices are ones that I resist, but later had to admit to being fun to watch. I WAS a little suspicious however when she started handing me beer bottles to drink before the movie started.

Now I know why. I got hookwinked into an awful movie.

Blood Freak is a regional horror film from Florida about Herschell, a big biker guy who looks and acts like a proto Tommy Wiseau, hanging out with a bible quoting babe and her sister, who likes to do biblical things with Herschell. After hooking up with the drug happy sister, Herschell goes to work on some guy's turkey farm. Not really sure what the hell kind of turkey farm this is, because there are two "scientists" who ask Herschell to eat a whole turkey injected with some strange chemical they are working on. The Hersch devours the turkey, and before you know it he's a giant turkey headed freak.

Will Turkey Hersch still get him some of that sweet lovin? Will his unusual turkey crazed lust for blood be sated?  Or is he doomed to be chased around by the Butterball people each November? 

Things I've Learned/Suffered from Watching Blood Freak

- I know this had a budget of 15 bucks, but wasn't there a better choice for a scientist than the bastard Hee Haw love child of Roy Clark and Junior Samples?

- Although I'm sure drug dealers want to look cool like the rest of us, if your haircut consists of greaser in the back and a 12 head in the front, you might want to see a different stylist. The Chinese Fonzie monk look just ain't workin'.

- I like how the movie makes you think the bible quoting lady is the main gal of the film when, SWERVE, it's her drug addicted sister! Because the star of the film (who also co-wrote and co-directed) couldn't spell heroine correctly.

- It is a social faux pas to call someone a tramp at a swinging drug party. They worked hard to put together this party of sex and drugs and you have to be the turd in the punchbowl.

- Turkeyhead Hersch has to be seen to be believed. It's like someone saw a turkey once, and then decided he should look like a chicken/owl hybrid instead. 

- While Hersch was rude at your party, it does NOT mean you can invite your friends over and take a gander at your sideshow boyfriend. At least make them keep the stuffing and the cranberries in the car.

- Want to be in the film but all the good parts are taken? Just make yourself the narrator and you too can play God. PULL ZE STRINGS!

If you don't want to be spoiled: read no further.

- This movie, despite the many MANY flaws, was an almost enjoyable piece of crap. Turkeyhead hersch was killing folks and his girlfriend showed her butt. Too bad that they decide that this wasn't a crazy monster slasher, but an anti drug/pro Jesus film! I'm pro Jesus, sure, but unless he's fighting off Turkeyhead Hersch, I'd rather not have him thrown into the mix for no reason. Don't pretend that his mutation and killing spree was nothing more than a long ass hallucination! I don't care if he kicks the habit and rejoins his stupid girlf friend! I want her to have to blast his damn turkeyneck off and serve him for dinner to all her stoner friends while they watch Up In Smoke for the 400th time! ARRRGHHH!

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