Vampire Cop (1990)
Director: Donald Farmer
Stars: Ed Cannon, Melissa Moore, Mal Arnold
There's too many bad movies with cop in the title. Sure you got Maniac Cop, but then on the other end you got Samurai Cop and Psycho Cop. Now I made myself watch Vampire Cop. If all these cops were in one precinct, I'd move to the other side of the country because you just know you're gonna get pulled over for speeding and end up missing a couple limbs.
So what I could gather from the threadbare plot, there's this drug dealin, prostitute shootin asshole named Hans Geiger (no, not the Geiger counter creator...he was in Psycho Cop 2) who is terrorizing the city somehow...not exactly sure how since the only people he kills at first are hookers and the world's worst undercover cop. But when Vampire Cop's hobo dressing partner is killed, it's personal...I think. He never seems too broken up over it.
Melissa Moore is the nosy TV reporter who wants to know what really happened when several scumbags are killed with bite marks on their necks. She does this by showing her tits...a lot. Oh and sleeping with a vampire.
I'm pretty sure the combined IQ of everyone in this film is potato.
Six Things I've Learned From Vampire Cop
1. The opening theme song is awesome, but did it really need to go on for almost 10 minutes? There were so many people getting credit at the beginning of this film I thought I had stumbled into a Rent-A-Center promotional tape.
2. Young women normally stalk someone's house in slow motion while making perverted male wheezing sounds. If you find one, by all means invite it to mooch off of you at your home for a few days.
3. Lucas, the undead title character, is perhaps the most unsympathetic hero I've seen in several years. He murders a hooker for no reason, and whines about using his powers for good. I don't know about you, you Reb Brown knockoff, but biting the bad guys and turning them into the undead isn't exactly "helping".
4. If you have to have a henchman, always make sure you get one that has a distinguishing characteristic. The main henchman in this film enjoyed snacking constantly. Yours could perhaps knit menacingly or tape over someone's wedding video.
5. There is a guy constantly in a bathtub in this film. I have no idea why he was in the bathtub, what his relationship is to the bad guys, or even why he was in the fucking movie to begin with!
6. If you are someone who has recently been bitten by a vampire and have in fact turned into one, your first choice of action is probably NOT running out of the house into the morning sun.Either this person is the stupidest vampire created, and thus needed to be immediately destroyed, or he became a reverse vampire. It's a certain breed of vampire that only does the opposite of what you ask it to do. If you tell it not to hurt you, then you might as well hand over your collection of Flock of Seagulls bobbleheads to that cousin who hates you right now. If you tell a reverse vampire to not go outside, watch that sumbitch run on out there and get the worse sunburn ever.