Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Hot Resort (1985)

Hot Resort (1985)
Director: John Robins
Stars: Bronson Pinchot, Dan Schneider, The "Leon's Getting Larger" guy from Airplane!

In the 80's there was apparently a fad in which every sex comedy had to take place at a resort. I understand why...bikinis, nice locations to film in, boobs but it makes things a bit...repetitive. This movie tries, but I still had to look up the movie by the partial title Resort. This brought seemingly 112 movies with that in the title. Yikes.

This movie is about brave young men going out on their own to earn money for college by being the hardest workers they can be....I'm just fucking with you. Their idea of earning money is to get laid so many times that Hugh Hefner is like "whoa boys, take a break here and there". It's not just the employees (the main character is some weird cross between John Travolta and Epstein) , there's the oh so hilarious couple who has sex in every place imaginable. This couple has sex so much that when I later put in the DVD for Dawn of the Dead, they were there fucking in the mall!

The plot's pretty thread bare...more like a bunch of skits about guys getting laid. There's TV's Riddler Frank Gorshin talking about getting laid, the gay guy from Airplane! making jokes about sex, and of course Balki as one of the wisecracking staff...talking about sex. Does this movie make sense? Don't be reedickulus!

Six Things I've Learned From Hot Resort

1. There's a drill Sargent type who insults and berates the staff throughout the movie and then suddenly turns gay and hooks up with the guy from Airplane! I guess it's some deep kind of message...like although you can have a tough exterior, inside us all is this sensitive man yearing to come free...or they just typed the script blindfolded.

2. The main villains in this film are a rowing team filming some stupid soup commercial. The best part is how they talk. I guess the director hated Gilligan's Island (and rightfully so) because every one of these rowing bastards talk just like Thurston Howell the 3rd.

3. Dan Schneider gets all the ass in this movie. Yes, Ricky from Better Off Dead. That should tell you everything. "I'm sorry my ugly nipples blew up Ricky".

4. The horny couple have sex in somebody's car when the guy's back goes out. They tear the roof of the car so they can airlift the naked dude. THEY DESTROYED A STRANGERS CAR! What kind of note do you leave? Knowing them, probably their address and best times to come watch them have sex.

5. An old man is so horny in this film that at the end he gets a machine gun to murder his old wife with. I guess he wanted to have sex with muscular dudes because movie or no, you usually go to jail for that.

6. Judging by all the movies I've seen, if I were to go to a resort, I'd figure the staff will destroy my room, dump drinks on me, punch me in the balls, and have sex with my shoes. I ain't leaving no tip for squishy shoes pal!

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