Clash of the Titans (1981)

Clash of the Titans (1981)

Director: Desmond Davis

Stars: Harry Hamlin, Judi Bowker, Sir Lawrence Olivier

If you've read up on your Greek Mythology (and you should, it's fantastically insane stuff) you know that Zeus can't keep it in his toga...and I can't blame him. Look, he's the head god, the big cheese, the one who makes people crap their togas when they cross him the wrong way, so there's a certain sense of entitlement there. So Zeus will slum it down to Earth in some ridiculous form...say an eagle, a tiger, or some glittery gold and tap himself all sorts of human asses. You don't need a Maury paternity test to know who the father of all those kids are. 

So Zeus gets himself a human bootycall and she gives birth to Perseus.Zeus gets mad that the bootycall's father would board the woman and child up in a craftmatic nonadjustable coffinboat that he makes Poseidon let out his favorite pet, the Kraken. Perseus is the very definition of a privileged child, his dad making sure everything good happens to him. After Zeus makes her kid into the hideous lord of the swamps, Thetis starts fucking around with Perseus' girl Andromeda and you know what that means....epic quest.

Six Things I've Learned from Clash of the Titans

1. More of a question than something I've learned...did anybody ever take Harry Hamlin seriously? I know he's a good looking guy, and the world needs himbos too, but you can just look at him and see his thought process. SPOILER: there isn't one.

2. "No it's OK Ursula Andress, you don't need to do anything but stand there. No, no talking needed hon. Just look pretty."

3. The Medusa scene to this day still scares the hell out of me. You can't CGI that kind of pants wetting.

4. I was hoping Burgess Meredith would have called Perseus a bum or told him women weaken legs. But he didn't. I hope his glasses got broken.

5. If this movie is any indication, the Greeks worshiped a bunch of ego havin, cat fight givin, booty takin assholes. They would have fit in nicely in classy publications like US Weekly and the National Enquirer. 

6. If I had the head of Medusa, I wouldn't have thrown it into the sea. Hell no. I'd invite every one of my enemies over to show them my new "find". I would then have the greatest set of lawn gnomes known to man. It'll say "he's particular about what he decorates his lawn with" and "don't fuck with this guy or you're gonna be a birdbath."